(Self) Portrait Tuesday

Today in drawing class I sat for a portrait for the first time in my life. It was one of the most daunting and disturbing experiences I've had. I had to partner up with a classmate, and we sat for each other in sessions of fifteen minutes. By the accident of proximity, I also sat for my teacher, who happened to be sitting right next to my partner.

As I sat, two pairs of eyes fixed on me, I became aware of a whole other dimension of time: it went excruciatingly slowly, but not the same as when I'm impatient or in pain. I felt as if I were being interrogated, just without words, as if someone were digging into my soul, rummaging for something valuable. The physical difficulty of sitting still for half an hour was insignificant compared to this psychological violation. Something is taken from you when you model. I'm convinced of that now. But if the person who is taking this ineffable thing away from you manages to put it onto the paper, it's a strange and great reward. I have trouble looking at this portrait of myself; it feels very much like me -- but a part of myself that I'm not used to seeing from the outside.



I'm adding here the drawing that I made of my classmate, Mary Jo. It is a kind of self-portrait, a record of what my drawing abilities are now. I will refrain from saying all the negative things I want to say about it. No disclaimers! It is what it is. I have to learn to be at peace with that.